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wisdomeagle
Sep. 28th, 2005 10:37 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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swficathontitle: irreversible
author: ethelinesherman
rating: PG (i think; if you guys believe it should be something else, let me know)
spoilers: none, as requested
warnings: none
disclaimer: not mine
writing for:wisdomeagle
wants: anger, choices, and war and peace
doesn't want: character bashing, smut, fluff. er. also no "lizzie."
author's note: first of all, i hope this fits the criteria. i haven't written anything for anyone before. :) war and peace IS in the fic, albeit not mentioned by name. i used a quote that i thought fitted the situation. many thanks go out to my wonderful betaphrenitis. feedback and constructive criticism are always welcome.
Irreversible
He thinks about her. He thinks about her while walking down the corridors, while eating, before falling asleep, sometimes even during his work hours. It isn’t constant, nor is it obsessive, but the thought of her always manages to somehow slip into his mind. She used to live in a dark corner of that mind. Five days, nine hours and few minutes ago light had been shed in that corner. He remembers her face as she pulled away from his arms to look into his eyes. Mere seconds... it took him mere seconds to realize she existed for him in that way, like a switch had been flicked on somewhere. Before that, she used to live in a dark corner of his mind.
~*~
She is alive.
Her hand shakes slightly as she picks up her work pad. She sighs deeply and closes her eyes. The shaking stops. A few clicks and she saves her report. The line keeps blinking after the last sentence, as if waiting for her to continue. One… two… three… She counts 42 before letting the pad drop to her lap.
There’s a bruise on the left side of her shoulder, but it doesn’t hurt that much anymore. Whenever she shifts and feels it, she remembers.
Sometimes, at night, she can see things, things that happened, things that shouldn’t have come to pass. She can see the other one’s eyes as he fell into the abyss, mere inches away from her, helpless and just as surprised as she had been. She can feel the hand that pulled her up to safety, and the tight embrace in which she found herself wrapped so securely.
The pain helps her remember. She’s alive.
~*~
By the expression of her father's face, not sad, not crushed, but angry and working unnaturally, she saw that hanging over her and about to crush her was some terrible misfortune, the worst in life, one she had not yet experienced, irreparable and incomprehensible - the death of one she loved.
He slams the book shut and gets up from the bed heading toward the door to see her. The words, irreparable and incomprehensible keep twisting and twirling in his head until they lose their meaning. His decision has not been a conscious one, but it might as well have been. Thinking and feeling are the same as doing. Sinning in thought is sinning nonetheless.
He remembers the expression of the other man’s face as his fingers let go, his eyes closing for a moment then widening again, catching at the empty air as one catches vainly at hope. There’s something mesmerizing about the way the body turned around in the air slowly, taking its time getting down, then shattering into a million pieces as he watched like a child would watch a dying bird.
He doesn’t dare repeat the entire sentence, but the words stick in his mind … the death of one… the death of one …
He let him drop into the abyss.
~*~
“No, John! That is not what I am asking you!”
She is looking up at him in anger, her face flushed. There are things that should never see the light of day, things that should never be asked, nor answered. Things she wishes were not true. Things she wishes she can bury and never face again, because she isn’t ready to deal with them just yet.
“What are you asking me then? What is it that that you want me to say?”
He shouts back at her, pain and anger mix in his features perfectly. She hopes no one can hear them, and that the waves and the wind drown out whatever the sealed doors cannot.
“The truth, John. I need to know the truth.”
He shifts his weight and strengthens his grip around the balcony railing.
“The truth is… The truth is...”
“Say it damn it! Say it…”
“The truth is I would have saved you! I would have picked you over and over again, if I had the choice!”
“Did you John? Did you make that choice right then and there?”
“No… He slipped...”
“Then why are you telling me you would have made that choice if you had to?”
His eyes turn to meet hers, and she wishes they hadn’t.
“Because… You know damn well why…”
Suddenly she wishes she had not asked, because she knows that whatever he cannot say is already out in the open, in their faces, and there is no turning back.
“You know this is impossible. You know it as well as I do. You know…”
“I know, damn it! I know that you’re too damn proud and too damn scared, that’s what I know.”
The words cut through her like sharp knives, but she clenches her fists to make the shaking stop. She knows his words would hurt less if they were not true, and she knows she is angry because his lips utter the very thoughts she has tried to hush in her own mind.
“I cannot risk losing what we already…”
“Bullshit… that’s bullshit and you know it.”
His steps fall hard on the cold metal as he walks away leaving her alone in the dusk. Her hands stop shaking, but there’s a newfound emptiness somewhere around the place where she knows her heart should be. Getting comfortable with it is the only thing she can do, for she knows it’s there to stay.
~*~
“Joooooooooohn!”
Her voice pierces through his ears and he can see her eyes grow wider with pain and surprise. He catches her hand, but can feel it slipping away, slipping slowly into oblivion.
“John… let go…” she whispers, her eyes just as wide as before, her hand barely holding on to the tips of his fingers.
“No! Not this time…”
He pulls her back to safety and she crawls slowly nearer to him, her head falling on his shoulder. His arms circle around her, as if trying to make sure she is real, she is alive. She turns her head for a moment to look in his eyes.
Suddenly, everything is illuminated.
author: ethelinesherman
rating: PG (i think; if you guys believe it should be something else, let me know)
spoilers: none, as requested
warnings: none
disclaimer: not mine
writing for:
wisdomeaglewants: anger, choices, and war and peace
doesn't want: character bashing, smut, fluff. er. also no "lizzie."
author's note: first of all, i hope this fits the criteria. i haven't written anything for anyone before. :) war and peace IS in the fic, albeit not mentioned by name. i used a quote that i thought fitted the situation. many thanks go out to my wonderful beta
phrenitis. feedback and constructive criticism are always welcome.Irreversible
He thinks about her. He thinks about her while walking down the corridors, while eating, before falling asleep, sometimes even during his work hours. It isn’t constant, nor is it obsessive, but the thought of her always manages to somehow slip into his mind. She used to live in a dark corner of that mind. Five days, nine hours and few minutes ago light had been shed in that corner. He remembers her face as she pulled away from his arms to look into his eyes. Mere seconds... it took him mere seconds to realize she existed for him in that way, like a switch had been flicked on somewhere. Before that, she used to live in a dark corner of his mind.
~*~
She is alive.
Her hand shakes slightly as she picks up her work pad. She sighs deeply and closes her eyes. The shaking stops. A few clicks and she saves her report. The line keeps blinking after the last sentence, as if waiting for her to continue. One… two… three… She counts 42 before letting the pad drop to her lap.
There’s a bruise on the left side of her shoulder, but it doesn’t hurt that much anymore. Whenever she shifts and feels it, she remembers.
Sometimes, at night, she can see things, things that happened, things that shouldn’t have come to pass. She can see the other one’s eyes as he fell into the abyss, mere inches away from her, helpless and just as surprised as she had been. She can feel the hand that pulled her up to safety, and the tight embrace in which she found herself wrapped so securely.
The pain helps her remember. She’s alive.
~*~
By the expression of her father's face, not sad, not crushed, but angry and working unnaturally, she saw that hanging over her and about to crush her was some terrible misfortune, the worst in life, one she had not yet experienced, irreparable and incomprehensible - the death of one she loved.
He slams the book shut and gets up from the bed heading toward the door to see her. The words, irreparable and incomprehensible keep twisting and twirling in his head until they lose their meaning. His decision has not been a conscious one, but it might as well have been. Thinking and feeling are the same as doing. Sinning in thought is sinning nonetheless.
He remembers the expression of the other man’s face as his fingers let go, his eyes closing for a moment then widening again, catching at the empty air as one catches vainly at hope. There’s something mesmerizing about the way the body turned around in the air slowly, taking its time getting down, then shattering into a million pieces as he watched like a child would watch a dying bird.
He doesn’t dare repeat the entire sentence, but the words stick in his mind … the death of one… the death of one …
He let him drop into the abyss.
~*~
“No, John! That is not what I am asking you!”
She is looking up at him in anger, her face flushed. There are things that should never see the light of day, things that should never be asked, nor answered. Things she wishes were not true. Things she wishes she can bury and never face again, because she isn’t ready to deal with them just yet.
“What are you asking me then? What is it that that you want me to say?”
He shouts back at her, pain and anger mix in his features perfectly. She hopes no one can hear them, and that the waves and the wind drown out whatever the sealed doors cannot.
“The truth, John. I need to know the truth.”
He shifts his weight and strengthens his grip around the balcony railing.
“The truth is… The truth is...”
“Say it damn it! Say it…”
“The truth is I would have saved you! I would have picked you over and over again, if I had the choice!”
“Did you John? Did you make that choice right then and there?”
“No… He slipped...”
“Then why are you telling me you would have made that choice if you had to?”
His eyes turn to meet hers, and she wishes they hadn’t.
“Because… You know damn well why…”
Suddenly she wishes she had not asked, because she knows that whatever he cannot say is already out in the open, in their faces, and there is no turning back.
“You know this is impossible. You know it as well as I do. You know…”
“I know, damn it! I know that you’re too damn proud and too damn scared, that’s what I know.”
The words cut through her like sharp knives, but she clenches her fists to make the shaking stop. She knows his words would hurt less if they were not true, and she knows she is angry because his lips utter the very thoughts she has tried to hush in her own mind.
“I cannot risk losing what we already…”
“Bullshit… that’s bullshit and you know it.”
His steps fall hard on the cold metal as he walks away leaving her alone in the dusk. Her hands stop shaking, but there’s a newfound emptiness somewhere around the place where she knows her heart should be. Getting comfortable with it is the only thing she can do, for she knows it’s there to stay.
~*~
“Joooooooooohn!”
Her voice pierces through his ears and he can see her eyes grow wider with pain and surprise. He catches her hand, but can feel it slipping away, slipping slowly into oblivion.
“John… let go…” she whispers, her eyes just as wide as before, her hand barely holding on to the tips of his fingers.
“No! Not this time…”
He pulls her back to safety and she crawls slowly nearer to him, her head falling on his shoulder. His arms circle around her, as if trying to make sure she is real, she is alive. She turns her head for a moment to look in his eyes.
Suddenly, everything is illuminated.
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Date: 2005-09-29 09:39 am (UTC)omgthatwasamazing! Yes, I also want more!
Thank you so much!